


Taboo

by comicc_bookk_jawnss



Series: Caretaker Dani [4]
Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Romantic Fluff, brief emotional/physical child abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29639430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comicc_bookk_jawnss/pseuds/comicc_bookk_jawnss
Summary: “You’re in bed. It was a dream. You had a bad dream.”Ah… oh, god. She froze. Had she?“Jamie?”She hadn’t. Because her head was throbbing.//Jamie tries to regain control of a childhood issue when it reemerges shortly after she and Dani move into their first place together.
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Jamie, Dani Clayton/Jamie
Series: Caretaker Dani [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2146191
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	Taboo

**Author's Note:**

> Based on an anon prompt

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!”

Jamie froze with her hand on the knob. The sheets were already in the tub. All she had to do was turn the water on. She’d purposefully waited until she got home from school. Gemma wasn’t supposed to be back yet. But here she was standing in the doorway to bathroom, now laughing derisively.

“Thought I got ah skip this part — gettin’ a 10-year-old and all.”

Jamie gritted her teeth, already feeling unbidden tears stinging her eyes as her face flushed. She didn’t turn around.

“Ya don’t have to do anythin’. I’m takin’ care ah it.”

“Not with our water you’re not. Not anymore.”

Jamie gaped. She hadn’t wanted to get caught again for obvious reasons. It hadn’t even occurred to her that Gemma would object to her running up the water bill. But she could fix that. She cleared her throat.

“I - I’ll skip ma shower tonight.”

“No, ya won’t.”

Jamie blinked back tears, her eyes well and truly burning now.

“I will! I - .”

“No you’re gonna get nice and clean… and then get back in these sheets. That’ll get ya sorted.”

Jamie’s hand slipped off the knob. She braced it and her other hand against the tub as her knees buckled. She could deal with this. She had to. But it would happen again. She knew it would. But she couldn’t say that. And besides, what could Gemma do? Obviously, she could _not_ make things even worse.

But what difference did it even make, really? When it came down to it, it was Jamie’s own fault.

“Fine.”

“What was that?”

Jamie squeezed her eyes shut.

“I said ‘fine’!” Flinging her eyes back open, she finally spun around, suddenly feeling lightheaded. “I’m s- ”

She was kneeling on the floor now, her left cheek throbbing, her right cheek oozing. Gemma was yelling. She lifted two fingertips to her right cheek. They came back red.

“Look at me when ’m talkin’ to ya! … Jamie! … JAMIE!”

She finally looked up to find… _Dani_?

“Jamie, you’re okay!”

Debatable.

“You’re with me.”

Not as debatable — she was staring right into her painfully concerned blue-brown eyes. But…

“You’re in bed. It was a dream. You had a bad dream.”

Ah… oh, god. She froze. Had she?

“Jamie?”

She hadn’t. Because her head was throbbing. 

Still breathing heavily, Jamie slid her clammy cheeks out of Dani’s hands and let her head thump back onto Dani’s chest.

“Sorry,” Jamie croaked as she felt Dani start running a hand through her hair.

“It’s okay, Jay. There’s no need to - ”

Jamie gasped despite herself and felt Dani’s hand freeze.

“S’not you.”

“Headache again?”

“Hmm.”

She felt Dani start running her hand on top of her hair now, incredibly gently, and couldn’t find it in herself to move, despite her aching throat. She closed her eyes once more as her head continued to throb. After a minute or so, her breathing was back to normal.

“Are you doing this to yourself on purpose?”

“What?”

She felt Dani’s hand freeze again.

“The headaches, I mean! Not - ”

She heard Dani sigh. She’d known this was coming sooner or later. She’d been hoping for later.

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know… But I… ” She heard Dani clear her throat. “I know you’re not, umm, on your period or - or sick, so unless you have some… condition that’s popped up in the last three days… ”

Jamie sighed.

“’M fine, Poppins.”

With that, she slowly sat up and sat back on the futon, kneeling by Dani’s waist. Rubbing her face, eyes still closed, she grit her teeth as her head pounded even harder but couldn’t stop a slight groan from escaping. She heard Dani sit up.

“I’ll be fine. Promise.”

*****

“You’re not drinking your water?”

Jamie looked up from her half-empty plate to find Dani regarding her curiously from her seat across the table.

“What?”

“You said you were fine with water.” Dani nodded toward her mostly full glass. “But you’re not drinking it.”

“Sure I am.”

Jamie took a sip, but even as she did it, she knew it was over. Dani had been suspicious enough when she hadn’t ordered wine. She sighed as she put the glass back down, staring at the tablecloth.

“Jamie, why haven’t you been drinking enough?”

Jamie took a deep breath, then exhaled shakily.

“Not here… _please_.”

She reluctantly looked up. But Dani had already softened and reached across the table now, taking her hand.

“Okay.”

*****

“So - ”

“Wait.”

They were in the car parked down the street from the restaurant. Jamie had wanted to avoid having the conversation in their new studio apartment for obvious reasons, and this way she had an excuse to not look at Dani, though admittedly she never would’ve thought she’d prefer staring at a glovebox.

“I - I think I know what you’re going to say.”

Jamie wrung her hands. This wasn’t surprising. But was it better? Was it less any less embarrassing to not have to spell it out? She could already feel her face flushing as she cleared her throat.

“That right?”

“Yeah… and I did it, too… after my dad died.”

Jamie felt her face fall. It hadn’t even occurred to her that this might also be a sore spot for Dani.

“Dani, I’m so - ”

Dani gave her a sad smile.

“It’s okay.”

Jamie pressed her lips together in acknowledgment, then faced forward again. There was a brief lull, then Dani broke it.

“What?”

“What?”

“You want to say something. I can tell.”

Jamie exhaled, her breath visible as they waited for the car to heat up.

“How, uh, how old were ya when it… stopped?”

Dani didn’t respond for moment, then:

“That’s not the point.”

“It is, actually.”

“Jamie - ”

She felt Dani reach over and grip her hands, stilling them as she rubbed her thumb across them.

“I’ll stop when I can, okay?” She felt Dani’s hand still. “The dehydratin’, I mean.”

“When will that be?”

“Not too much longer.”

“ _Jamie_.”

Jamie cleared her throat, and then mumbled anyway.

“’Bout a month.”

“A _month_?”

Jamie finally turned back to her.

“Look, it works! I promise.”

Dani went to object, then sighed, then tried again, softly.

“You know that’s not what I’m concerned about.”

Jamie turned back to the glovebox.

”Should be.” She waited for Dani to interject, but she didn’t. Sighing, Jamie pressed on as her cheeks started to burn. “The last time it happened was ma first night in prison. Ma cellmate - ” Jamie laughed darkly. ”Let’s just say it wasn’t a great first impression to make. She got a night in solitary, and I got transferred to a single. Think they just didn’t want to deal with it happenin’ again. And it was an upgrade, really… Not like I wanted to talk to her… or anyone else, but… ”

She felt Dani squeeze her hands and turned to find Dani giving her a [knowing smile](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28878843). She cleared her throat, then faced forward again.

“Anyway, I decided I would still do somethin’ ’bout… it. And that’s when it hit me. Can’t do it if ya… _can’t_ do it.” She laughed awkwardly. “So I, uh, cut back for as long as I could. After a month or so, I’d actually started gettin’ used to it. Head stopped hurtin’ as bad. But I decided to test it, start havin’ water with dinner again, and… that was that. Thought it was over… until - ”

“Tuesday?”

Four nights ago, she’d had a nightmare and had actually managed to snap herself out of it before Dani had fully woken up and in time to run to the bathroom.

Jamie cleared her throat. She didn’t need to give Dani further confirmation. They sat in silence for a few moments. Jamie had figured this was where they might end up. She couldn’t blame Dani. What was she supposed to say?

“A month?”

Jamie sighed.

“Dani - ”

She saw Dani turn to her in her periphery.

“No, no, just - it was a month? You did it for a month?”

Brow furrowed, she turned to face Dani.

“Yeah. Why?” Her bewilderment only increase as she saw Dani smile slowly. She couldn’t help but laugh slightly at the strange turn of events. “What?”

Dani’s smile widened.

“Jamie, _you_ did it. It was _you_.”

Jamie cocked her head.

“’M not followin’.”

“You told me you started sleeping through the night about one month in.”

“Right… oh… _Oh_.”

Thinking about it now, of course her pseudo-science experiment had been just that. Maybe she’d just wanted to think weeks of headaches hadn’t been for nothing, that it hadn’t been a coincidence… But still, therapy hadn’t stopped the nightmares permanently. So why only now had the…

“I think it’s my fault.”

“Huh?”

Jamie took Dani in again, not even realizing she’d stared off into space, then processed what she’d said. But before she could object, Dani responded, smiling softly.

“It’s the only thing that makes sense. I’m the only thing that’s changed.”

Dani had a point. But Jamie couldn’t stand for her to be thinking this way.

“Dani, you… ” She sighed. “Ya haven’t done anythin’ wrong.”

Dani’s smile softened even more. Jamie felt her squeeze her hand.

“I didn’t say that I did.”

Jamie gaped at her, then faced forward, feeling her cheeks burn once more.

“You’ve been staying in bed with me… no matter what.”

Jamie nodded, clearing her throat. That’s was the [tacit promise](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28431540) she’d made Dani months ago after she’d had a nightmare, her first one since they’d gotten together.

“And now we’re living together” Jamie raised an eyebrow. They’d been living together since leaving Bly six months ago. “In a place of our own, I mean.” 

Jamie lowered her eyebrow, nodding.

“So it’s an… adjustment… for both of us, but I think maybe… ” Dani cleared her throat and looked down. “I’ve noticed, you know… and I get it. I know it’s not really about me… You’re just not - you’re used to… ”

Dani exhaled shakily, and Jamie hung her own head as waves of guilt washed over her. Evidently, she was not as good at hiding her anxiety as she thought or adhering to her own ‘one day a time’ policy.

“Waitin’ for the other shoe to drop.”

Jamie heard Dani hum in assent and felt another pang, then found herself coughing out an awkward laugh.

“Thought I was s’pose to be the psychoanalyst.”

Jamie smiled slightly as she heard Dani chuckle, albeit nervously.

“I’m - ”

“Dani, I swear to God - ”

She heard Dani giggle and saw her look back up in her periphery. 

“I was going to say I’m sorry - ” Dani held up the index finger of her free hand as Jamie looked up to object again, then Dani’s expression turned serious. “I’m sorry this isn’t an easier… process for you. But I’m not going - .”

Dani stopped herself, slightly wide-eyed. Jamie understood what she hadn’t said, couldn’t say and felt her own heart stutter. Dani took a deep breath.

“We’re in this together.”

Seeing that she wanted to leave it there, Jamie unclasped her own hands and took Dani’s hand in them, massaging it. Dani managed a small smile.

“So what d’we do?”

Dani’s smile turned wry.

“First, you’re gonna drink some water.” Jamie chuckled softly. “And then… you’re gonna stop worrying about it.”

Jamie looked down at their hands. She knew Dani was right. But…

“Easier said than done, I know.”

Jamie laughed and turned back to find Dani smiling.

“Jesus Christ. Would ya quit it with the - ”

“Sorry.”

Jamie raised an eyebrow, then chuckled as Dani’s smile widened and she blushed slightly at the realization she’d inadvertently read her mind again. Then, they lapsed into silence for a moment. It was lighter this time, and once again broken by Dani as she placed her other hand on top of Jamie’s.

“Look, what’s the worst that could that happen?”

Jamie felt both eyebrows shoot up as her jaw went slack and her cheeks scorched. Dani laughed.

“No, no, I know. That’s… ”

Dani cut herself off with another laugh. Jamie relaxed slightly, though she was still confused. She saw Dani’s expression soften even more.

“What I mean is if the worst happens… it happens.” She pressed on as Jamie went to object. “But if you _assume_ it’ll happen… ”

Jamie felt her eyebrows rise again, this time in recognition. She nodded and felt Dani squeeze her hands.

“None of this… _nothing_ will change how I feel about you.”

Jamie turned back to the glovebox, smiling shyly. As almost unbelievable as it was to her, she knew Dani was telling the truth. And Dani’s reaction to the ‘[incident](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29358156),’ just a couple weeks after they’d hit the road, had already proven it.

“Yeah, well, maybe I’m sick ah ya bein’ so nice to me.” She turned back to find a smile spreading across Dani’s face: closed-lip but wide. Jamie tried for a smirk. “Ever think ah that?”

“Nothing to be done about it, I’m afraid. So if you want to leave me, I understand.”

Jamie laughed, despite herself, even harder when Dani giggled. And then Dani shut them both up — tried to anyway. Oddly enough, grinning didn’t really lend itself to kissing. They were both giggling again when she pulled back, then Dani cleared her throat.

“You ready?”

Jamie swallowed, then nodded, feeling the corner of her mouth tug up. She saw Dani blush and smile widely once more, then felt her gently pull her hands away. She buckled herself in then gripped the wheel and gear shift. 

Jamie face forward herself as pulled her own belt down and looked out the window as Dani pulled away and set off. Jamie gripped the cross belt, feeling unbidden tears stinging her eyes — this time in a good way, a welcome way.

But she let them lull into another silence, then broke it herself as they neared their apartment building.

“I, uh - ” Jamie’s voice cracked. She cleared her throat. “I really… like livin’ with ya, Dani.”

Before she could even venture a glance over, she felt Dani rubbing her upper left arm.

“I know, Jay.”

It wasn’t said with arrogance or even teasingly. It was quiet, reassuring. 

“Me too… With you! Not my- ”

Jamie had already burst out laughing and looked over as she heard Dani join in. Dani’s cheeks were blushing and her eyes, still on the road, were bright.

She would never get sick of Dani. She already knew that, had known it since before they’d even left Bly. But this sight especially, this sound, there was nothing more beautiful in the world as far as she was concerned.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm on Tumblr @comic-book-jawns


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